I am a big dreamer, “passionate” to the point of mild obsession.
My dream that I have talked about again and again for years was, is, studying in the UK. Has always been. You can say it was a common goal for us especially from a particular high school. It’s like your run-of-the-mill paris/rome dreams. I can honestly say that this dream had claimed most if not all of my young teenhood life.
Funnily, in late 2009 the dream solidified specifically to Keele University. I have no idea why I had become so into Keele but it was all I ever dreamt about. During that time, there was an exam that you could actually get a scholarship from and understandably I tried and barely even reached it. I have always known subconsciously that I’m only a little above average at best, so looking back, it was actually as expected.
Fast forward multiple years, multiple failures and the ever growing worry that I might not make it… I was left with abandoning Keele (and my then-dream major) altogether and just hope I could go to similar campus-like universities. I applied and was accepted to all but I couldn’t accept any due to lack of scholarships. Years after that rejection I still find it quite sad and bitter whenever I think about it too much. I vaguely remember not having the heart to even look at my letters – in which I hastily hid under all my unwanted memories.
I made excuses and found “silver linings” only to feel the remnants of sadness. Always. Even if I had 99% accepted of the fact, 1% was still wishing. A sad, sad, wish.
It was a perpetual reminder of my incapabilities, of my insecurities, of my many manifestations of negativities.
Today, while I still dream that dream, I regarded it more of a daydream.
A fleeting moment where I let go without consequences, having untethered my mind to the gravity of reality.
Until I looked back recently and felt a tug on my sleeve in the wind of my train of thought.
That tug had made me felt true, pure undoubted relief of my unachieved dream. Something I could never even dreamt of feeling.
“An air of mixed feelings, beneath fallen ceilings”.
I was… surprised to say the least. Because it has been more than 6 years.
More surprisingly, that reprieve had opened a floodgate of happiness in me. Even though the happiness left as quick as it came, that respite, that unadulterated, complete, faithful acceptance of the whole dream thing was what I had actually wanted all along.
To finally let go something that actually isn’t really worth holding on to.
Even if it was for a moment.
Because it means I am