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Assalamualaikum, May Peace Be Upon You.

In usual Tiqah style, I would normally take this opportunity to write a heavily edited, wanna-be philosophical, introspection of what 2016 was for me. But considering one half of me insists on posting this on the 1st Jan 2017 and I have about an hour left – in addition to this other nagging side of me that thinks that not everything I write should be super criticised and analytical because those kind of posts are the reason why I rarely blog anyways – SO! Without further ado, let me dump you with a couple of my HIGHLIGHTS of 2016, taken from the Frankenstein of a brain dump draft I did last night. 

  • JAN-FEB: appreciated my health more. Remember health before sickness indeed. 
  • SEM 4: a comparatively less productive semester to previous ones, but I tried my best. Reflecting on it, it must have been related to “looking for Allah”. Remember Tiqah, the only reason you are here, the only reason for your success are due to Him. If you lose focus on Him, you lose focus on everything.
  • DY preparations makes the whole DY thing felt more real, and I felt too excited too early. Allah is the Best Planner love, trust Him.
  • MAY: found a new hobby with watercolour and lettering. Also I regret the massive TV Show marathons I binged watched for the entirety of summer break. In similar news though, Taylor R is my new favourite vlogger. Which is a highlight because I’m not one to continually watch vloggers. Hurrah!
  • JUNE: Worked at stadium family vendor for Ramadhan.
  • Learning the hard reality of losing grips on friendship and that I shouldn’t be too attached to anything, even people.
  • EVENTS: Joined a workshop with qabs hosted by ka bazi and wiqa AND went to the first #PenMeetBN with ka zati and ka amalina (cil) 
  • Had social media detox for 4 months. Learnt that sometimes, this doesn’t solve the problem but it might help in layering steps to fully understanding yourself and give you more insight and perspectives.
  • AUG-NOV: interned at DSS. Met friends whom I cherished and kept in touch until now. Also learnt a lot about myself too in terms of pushing the limits of my comfortable zone in the realm of my degree.
  • Read 27 books out of 12 for #2016ReadingChallenge In which most of the books I actually read during intern, courtesy of (ex)supervisor turned friend.
  • After SEM4 ended: started a new interest in being healthy with hiking and (home) zumba
  • PEMBELA Youth Camp was certainly memorable to say the least. 
  • HS Family Day was truly tiring yet it was a wonderful bonding time with the family. I know I’d appreciate this more when I’m abroad.
  • Finally but arguably the most important to me – Allahyarhamah Nurun Naqiah’s Return to Allah. She once said something on the lines of “May the only reason that separates me from This Path (to Him) is Death (Syahid or martyr) that ignites the sleeping souls”. Oh my dear, I hope I could send you my love and message that yes, you had ignited my cold, hard, sleeping soul – made it burn with motivation and wet with tears for Him. Your death was truly a highlight to me, as it was a bridge between the reignition of my path towards Him. Wait for me while I work on myself, so we could meet again side by side, in Jannah, if Allah wills it for me. Rest well, our little diamond. You have done tremendous work under His Name.

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Simply, a one word definition for 2016 was struggle. An ongoing endeavor of “looking for Allah”. I kept trying and failing throughout the year and I was never satisfied – obviously – how did I even missed Him as Allah SWT is closer than my jugular vein? #TepukDadaTanyaIman

“Remember me, I will remember you.” (2:152) There was a reason why I couldn’t find it in my heart to connect to Him during the year, and it is up to me to figure out and fix that part of myself. “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (13:11) #RefreshNiat #RefreshIntentions

On a positive note, In Syaa Allah, I’ve taken baby steps towards 2017 with a better burning desire and motivation towards His Cause. May Allah keep our hearts firm on His Path and not let it be astray and fall into futur, munafiq and riya’.

I may not know what lies ahead, whether I’ll even get to see the end of 2017, but I know that “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” (2:286). I know I have what it takes, I believe in His Plans.

Again, ma’aa salaamah 2016. With peace I bid you adieu.

Wa ahlan wa sahlan, 2017. I welcome you with open arms.

 

Assalamualaikum, May Peace Be Upon You.

I have no legit reason to actually write, but I feel like writing. Even though I have already scheduled a day to write next week, I just feel like writing right now. In reality, I have a 4K report to write for next week, and two presentations to prepare during these two weeks. In addition, I just finished a monster 7K words report last Sunday. Why on earth am I feeling the need to write when I have enough of it already? ahem because everyone is updating their blogs so me being a dum dum lamb i want in?? On a serious note, I think it’s because all these work I have to do, I’m writing it not for myself. There weren’t any free flow, wishy washy, untethered thinking like what I’m doing right now, and having 4 days left of my intern, I needed some sort of quick, tiny breather and let my brain just blank and de-tense it out (and not think about grammar and aesthetics and proper sentences too much)

Anywhoo, I’m on my last leg of my intern and I am really glad and relieved. I don’t know what makes it so tiring? other than that 7K report. Nevertheless, I have honestly enjoyed my company here and I’m sincerely sadden that this might be the last time we will actually meet and enjoy each other’s bants and antics. I’ll truly miss it.

But like he said, “Ah well, that’s life.” People come and go, even if they’re the ones who’ve been the best for you, while sometimes the people who have treated you slightly, they stuck around like an uncomfortable, itching, 3 day old bandage that you can’t open for fear of dealing with something you would rather not.

Sometimes I feel like it is unfair, to have to let go, and you don’t have anyone else around. And you feel horribly, horribly alone with your stammering shame, your blinding insecurities and unflinching anxiety. But then, aren’t we born and aren’t we going to Leave, alone? It is a test of attachment, and while I thought I’ve been doing quite well, apparently I am lying to myself. Social media or not, I am struggling and I am still figuring things out.

But after I figure this report out.

Countdown: T E N  DAYS till I can exhale, take a step forward and move on.

It’s been a hard time
Now you’re gonna see it through

Here’s to the rest of you interns rushing off to prepare your work! Bittaufiq and good luck! x

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum, May Peace Be Upon You.

Before I start, may I take this chance to ask for your du’aa of health and smooth affairs for my family, Asyikin. And may Allah bless her with imaan and ease throughout her hardships. Amin.

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Assalamualaikum, May peace be upon you.

It is quite ludicrous that I have spent many nights through December, January and February coaxing words out and making them look presentable and yet all the attempts ends with unfinished introductions and half-baked ideas. Absurd, yet not unfamiliar. With 8 years of written trivial reverie, surely I have a solution by now? Alas, I have yet to prevail.

I had plans for this specific post. The “Welcome to 2016”. Sadly, I assume that the strive for structure and cookie-cutter was what held me back in the first place. Delaying it was distressing and pursuing the notion was awaking the thunderous waves within. Caught midway again – suspended in ceaseless static motion. A Stationary Cycle.

I have always been an emotional writer – but aren’t we all? Nevertheless, with an unknowing mind, I endeavour.

A pithy rundown of the winter tracks; the blurred and the frozen, the reflection and the scenes, the chill and warmth of December all through February.

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The expectations I had for December were mostly realised: made family during LESTARI, caught a plane to South Korea, quenched my thirst for fiction and kinsfolk. I have written them under the series “Back to December” in which you can access here.

Alhamdulillah thumma Alhamdulillah. Regardless of the melancholic disposition of this piece, I praise and thank Him for 2015 and for His endless blessings that includes these steps into 2 0 1 6.

The year so far is of sanguine dreams and restless clouds of impending disappointment. I am either too positive or the other way around. Preparations for mirages cementing castles in the skies, only the perpetual pull of gravity is my anchor to actuality.

Effort, effort, effort. I cannot be Walter Mitty forever.

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Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim.

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful.

Assalamualaikum, May peace be upon you.

I contemplated a lot about whether to post this on either the public or private account on Instagram. In the end, no matter what I decided, it would not do justice without sharing here in a public setting – even if it has been 2 months.

I embarked on this journey of self-discovery and Alhamdulillah, achieved what I have come for – albeit in a different way that I have imagined. While it was no smooth ride, I have come to appreciate the little things – both in others and in myself.

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Assalamualaikum, May peace be upon you.

You would think having a barbecue picnic with a bunch of your course mates whom you are not actually that close to would be SUPER awkward – and you’re absolutely right. Even though the picnic initially felt like I could literally jump into the nearby sea, I have experienced many more anxiety-filled moments and even embarrassing ones DURING the picnic and I can still say I enjoyed myself. (LATE) Thank you to those who made an effort in cooking, bringing food and whatnot. Jazzakumullahu khairan khateera (May Allah bless you in abundance). The day was a beautiful one indeed and nature had never been so praiseworthy, MasyaAllah wAlhamdulillah.

In the end though, my clothes could not agree less about my thoughts about the day but hopefully the washing machine gave it the comfort that the barbecue sauce and I cannot offer. It took me about half an hour just to get rid of all the burs that clung to my skirt (#RIPTiqah’sClothes)

Thankfully, before the #ClothesIncident, we took some pictures as per usual. While I’m no pro in either photography nor modelling (especially the latter gah, so awks), I still enjoyed learning a little of both from the girls. The more time spent, the more I appreciate the difficulty that is taking portraits and getting that sort-of-natural-but-nahh pose. It was a lot of fun even though I was so out of my element. Bless the girls for bearing with me. And also for the boys that we dragged into the shoot. I’m hoping I’d have time to go over them all and upload on both instagram and vsco but who am I kidding? For now, here are raw photos of outtakes, random selfies and a few that I already posted on my personal instagram account.

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